


The Ridiculous One that Takes Place during Warped and Ray's a Little Kid

by Sena



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Age Regression, Children, Crack, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Summer of Like, Were-Creatures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-18
Updated: 2012-04-18
Packaged: 2017-11-03 20:54:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/385837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sena/pseuds/Sena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I don't even know, you guys. Like, yeah. I don't even know.</p><p>Have 3500 words of cracked out Warped Tour 2005, complete with age regression and talking cupcakes and Time Lords. There's some Mikey/Pete and some Mikey/Ray pre-slash, but mostly this is Ray and Frank friendship gen. And Ray's six years old. And Frank's straight. *hands*</p><p>There is also a were-bunny.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ridiculous One that Takes Place during Warped and Ray's a Little Kid

Frank is not really freaked out when Ray turns into a little kid. Like, okay, it's fucked up, but it's _Warped Tour_. A month earlier, Zacky Vengeance had turned into a talking cupcake for three whole days and they'd discovered that Dewees was actually a Time Lord. The weirdest part of that was how Mikey and Gerard had shouted, "I knew it!" at the exact same time and then Mikey had started talking to Dewees in Old High Gallifreyan which, what the fuck?

It was also pretty weird that nobody ate Zacky. He'd been a delicious looking cupcake.

So when Ray wakes up one morning and he's, like, six or seven years old, Frank's just like, "Well, at least he's not edible." Because now that Gerard's sober, he wants chocolate all the time, and Frank's relieved that he doesn't have to pack cupcake Ray into a little box and carry him around at all times for his own safety.

"Why would I be a chocolate cupcake?" Ray asks, dangling his feet over the edge of the gear trunk he's sitting on. "Maybe I don't want to be a chocolate cupcake."

"Maybe you're a little bitch," says Frank because nothing in the world has ever made him as immediately tense and cranky as the sheer amount of whine little kid Ray can put into his voice.

"You're a little bitch," says four year-old Ray. Frank's not actually very good with ages. Ray's, like, under ten. Frank's pretty sure. "Maybe I want to be a poop cupcake."

Frank snorts with laughter. Little kid Ray is fucking _awesome_.

"Mikey!" Ray shouts, waving both his hands and kicking his feet against the side of the trunk. "Mikey, hey, Mikey, over here! Mikey!"

"I think he heard you," Frank drawls, lighting another cigarette.

"Shut up, poop face," says Ray.

"You're a poop face," says Frank.

Mikey yawns and sits on the ground in the shade of the bus, legs sprawled out, head tilted back, looking for all the world as completely fucked out as he is.

"Good night?" Frank asks, exhaling mostly away from little kid Ray. He's not exactly sure if the don't-smoke-around-children rules apply to somebody who's actually older than he is.

Mikey yawns again and nods. His mouth is red and raw and he's got bruises on his wrists and forearms, and a bite mark on his neck that had to have come from Pete Wentz's giant teeth.

"You should have stayed in the bus with us," Ray says, and his voice is so close to edging into a whine. "We watched _Star Wars_ and ate ice cream and even Frank had some only he had too much so he totally got diarrhea and he was in the bathroom, like, grunting so loud that Bob laughed hard enough to shoot a piece of popcorn out of his nose and Gerard started drawing a cartoon about a gorilla who looks like Frank but could only grunt, not talk. And then later, Frank dared me to touch Gerard's bare feet without his socks on and I did and his toenails are so long they're like claws. It's totally gross. It was the best night of my entire life."

"I can't believe I missed it," Mikey says. His voice is laden with sarcasm that Ray totally doesn't get. "Is there beer?"

Frank says, "Yeah," and cracks open the cooler.

"Can I have a beer?" Ray asks.

Frank looks at him, considering. He looks at Mikey. Mikey shrugs. Frank pulls out three beers and shows Ray how to pop the caps off using a lighter.

"Beer's gross," Ray says after his first sip. He looks at the bottle with a frown. "I thought it was supposed to be awesome."

"You get used to it," Mikey says, tipping his head back and finishing half his beer in one long swallow.

Frank thinks about how young Gerard and Mikey were when they started drinking and just how well that turned out and sort of regrets giving beer to a toddler. Or pre-teen. Or whatever. "Hey, Ray, how the fuck old are you, anyway?"

Ray shrugs. "I don't know. But I can count to a thousand."

Frank says, "Please don't."

"Beer is kind of awesome," Ray says half an hour later. The three of them are sprawled in the shade of the bus and none of them are drunk because Frank and Mikey have only had two beers apiece and Ray'd only had a couple of halting sips before Frank had taken pity on him, stolen the beer, and told Ray to go buy himself a goddamn soda.

Frank is totally not going to mention how Ray had come back with Mountain Dews for both him and Mikey and nothing but a handful of sticky change for Frank.

"What else is awesome about being a grownup?" Ray asks. "Everything? Do we eat ice cream for dinner every night?"

Mikey says, "When we feel like it."

Ray says, "Awesome."

"And we can watch whatever movies we want," Mikey says, sipping his Mountain Dew.

"Oh, my God, I saw this one where this guy totally was in love with this girl but then she died, only he was a total nerd so he had a robot, right? And he put the robot chip in her brain and then she threw a basketball at their mean neighbor's head and it exploded like a pumpkin but with brains instead of pumpkin guts. It was awesome."

Mikey grins sleepily at him, "I've seen that one, too. That scene's pretty rad."

Little kid Ray beams and Frank thinks he can actually see his chest filling with pride at Mikey's approval. "What else?" he asks.

"You never have to raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the bathroom," says Frank. Even in elementary school, that bullshit had bothered him. If he had to pee, he had to fucking pee no matter if the teacher gave him permission to do it or not. "And no bedtimes."

Mikey smirks and says, "Well, dirty, sexy bedtimes."

"Mikey!"

"What?"

"You can't talk to him about fucking. Jesus."

"You gave him a fucking beer, douchewad. I can talk to him about fucking. One day, you're going to start touching your dick and you're not going to stop, and that's fine. There's nothing wrong with it, just do it in private because it's, like, personal."

Frank says, "Dude, he's going to go back to normal before he hits puberty." He squints at Ray. "Are you close to puberty?"

Ray says, "Mikey called you a douchewad," and sniggers. Frank assumes that means no.

"Do we have to have the bad touch conversation with him?" Frank asks.

Mikey looks horrified. "No! You said it yourself, he's going to go back to normal."

"Yeah, but when? There are hundreds of people on this tour, Mikey, and we have no idea who most of them are or if any of them are dirty molesters. What if some fucktard gives him the bad touch between now and tomorrow? Like, if we didn't warn him, it would practically be our fault."

Mikey sighs and says, "Oh, Jesus. Okay. Ray, don't let anybody touch your privates until you're, like, twenty-five. And if somebody tries, run away."

Frank says, "That's the shittiest bad touch conversation I've ever heard in my entire life."

Mikey says, "I don't talk about serious topics well! I mean, I'm better than my mom was, but that's not saying much."

Frank imagines Donna Way trying to talk about sex with Mikey and he tips his head back and laughs. He says, "Don't knock any girls up, okay?" in Donna's thick, Jersey accent. "Unless you're queer, in which case, well, fuck. Good for you. I asked your brother the same thing and he said no, but I have my doubts. Tell your brother I don't care if he's queer as long as he doesn't move to Connecticut and open a fucking Bed and Breakfast."

Mikey says, "My God, it's like you were actually in the room."

Ray says, "I already know about good touch and bad touch. God. I'm not a fucking baby."

Mikey says, "Was he cursing that much yesterday?"

"No. I think we're a bad influence on him."

Mikey thinks about that for a moment, then says, "Would we be really bad people if we got him high?"

+++

"I can't believe you got him high!" Gerard says for the billionth time. His voice has reached a pitch that's even more grating than little kid Ray's whine. "You got. A child. High. On marijuana."

Frank says, "You can just call it weed like a normal person."

Mikey says, "We only got him a little high."

Little kid Ray giggles and says, "Oh, my God, I have feet. They're so weird."

Which is how Frank ends up exiled to the Fall Out Boy bus, sitting in the back lounge with Patrick with the music turned up really, really loud because as it turns out, Pete's a screamer.

"You wanna go see if we can find funnel cake anywhere?" Frank asks.

Patrick says, "Oh, my God, yes."

They don't actually bother looking for funnel cakes, though, since they make it half a block and Patrick turns sharply and says, "Beets. I smell beets."

Patrick has an obsession with root vegetables that Frank doesn't really understand, but then again he's the only were-bunny Frank's ever known. It might be a species thing.

El Hefe points his fork at Patrick the second they round the corner. He says, "No way, Stump, this salad is _mine_."

Patrick's nose twitches and he stares at the spring beet salad longingly. The longer he stares, the fiercer his expression grows.

Frank looks at El Hefe, who's hunched over his salad protectively. He's practically a giant. Frank looks over at Patrick, who's totally not. He says, "Worm can probably get us to a farmer's market and there'll be, like, fresh beets and carrots and kale and shit."

Patrick says, "Kale?" hopefully.

Frank says, "Tons of kale. Like, more bunches than you can eat in a month." He thinks he should start marking down the dates of the full moon on his calendar.

Worm doesn't actually take them to a farmer's market, but he does get a whole shit ton of vegetables delivered to the My Chem bus. Patrick eyes the boxes and boxes of kale and green beans and corn on the cob and growls.

Frank takes little kid Ray's hand and says, "Come on. You don't want to see this."

Bob says, "I do."

"No," Frank tells him. "You don't. Trust me. It's carnage so disturbing, there aren't words."

Ray says, "Let Bob stay. He's totally the boringest babysitter in the history of ever."

Bob says, "I'm not boring just because I won't give you beer! Jesus!"

"Or let me parachute off the roof," says Ray. "Or tell me what fucking is." He looks at Frank sadly. "He made me eat my peas."

"You're a growing boy!"

Patrick's breath has become labored and his entire body is shaking. Frank snatches Ray up and slings him over one shoulder and makes it out of the bus just in time to hear the terrifying sounds of a were-bunny ripping into a head of lettuce.

Ray and Gerard stumble out a moment later, trembling and wide eyed. Gerard looks sleep rumpled and confused and there's beet blood splashed across his face. He says, "Oh, my God, what the hell is happening?"

"Were-bunny," Bob whispers. "Once I realized how bad it was going to get, I remembered you were asleep in your bunk. I couldn't just leave you behind, dude."

Gerard says, "Thanks. Fuck. I thought Pete took care of Patrick's full moon rages."

"Pete's kind of distracted at the moment," Frank tells him. "Loudly."

Gerard makes a face. "Ew."

Ray's edging towards the bus slowly. He says, "I didn't even know you could murder vegetables. I thought they were already dead."

Frank puts his hand on Ray's shoulder. "You really don't want to look, dude. It'll fucking haunt you. How about we just go set fireworks off instead?"

Ray huffs and rolls his eyes. He looks over his shoulder at Gerard and Bob. "Because they probably won't let me. Because they think I'm a fucking baby."

Bob says, "Fireworks are awesome."

Gerard says, "I was kind of a pyro when I was your age, so, yeah, I'm cool with fireworks."

It turns out that the good people of the Boise, Idaho fire department aren't cool with fireworks, especially not the ones Frank scored off Motion City Soundtrack's drum tech. If Frank'd had a reloadable mortar kit like that when he was little Ray's age, he would have felt cooler than God. He probably also would have lost 80% of his hearing and at least one finger, but whatever.

"That was so cool!" little kid Ray shouts, jumping up and down as much as he can while still keeping hold of Frank's hand. Frank thinks he's probably six, since he hasn't yet developed an attitude about holding a grownup's hand while walking. "The one that went up and then went all psssssssht and then feeeeeeeeeeeeee! And then boom! With the crackles? Oh, oh, and the other one that went up and then nothing happened and then pow, pow, pow, it just kept going forever. The cop looked pretty mad."

"Yeah," Frank agrees.

"I'm glad he didn't arrest you. The handcuffs were kind of awesome, though. Did they feel awesome?"

"Not really," he admits.

"I wish Mikey'd been there. He would have thought it was cool. Don't you think he would have thought it was cool?"

"He would have thought it was so cool," Gerard says, taking Ray's other hand. Without even talking about it, both Gerard and Frank lift up so Ray's feet are off the ground.

Ray laughs and kicks his feet and yells happily as they do it again and again, all the way across the field and back to the giant maze of busses.

"Why's he always hanging out with stupid Pete?" Ray asks, scuffing his feet in the dirt.

"Well," says Gerard, "when grownups are in love, and I'm not. I don't actually know if it's love, and I'm not passing judgment, I'm just saying that I don't know if Mikey and Pete have defined their relationship as love. But when people are in a loving or, well, affectionate? When grownups are in an affectionate relationship of a romantic nature--"

Ray yanks his hands out of Frank and Gerard's grip and crosses his arms over his chest and stomps along between them with his head down.

Frank says, "Hey, Gee, I know you were kind of distracted what with Dewees showing up with Tomoe Gozen and all, but don't you want to know how the hell Mikey learned to speak Old High Gallifreyan? I mean, it's not only a fictional language, it's a fictional language that's pretty much extinct."

Gerard stops in his tracks and opens his mouth, then closes it again. He looks at Bob.

Bob says, "Don't look at me. I got a C-minus in French."

Gerard looks at Frank, then looks over his shoulder at the Hurley Stage where Reggie and the Full Effect are just finishing up. "How long until our set?" he asks.

"Another hour."

Gerard chews on his lower lip, then turns and walks as fast as he can towards the back of the Hurley stage.

Bob says, "Oooh, funnel cakes."

"You want funnel cakes?" Frank asks.

Ray shakes his head.

"You sure? They're fried, sugary deliciousness."

Ray shrugs and says, "My tummy hurts."

"You want me to carry you?"

"I'm not a baby."

"I didn't say you were."

Ray seems to think about it for a while. He takes Frank's hand and says, "I can walk."

After a while, Frank says, "Hey, when you're around Mikey do you sometimes just want to yell and jump up and down and throw things at his head so he doesn't pay attention to anybody but you?"

Ray looks down at his feet and says, "Sometimes."

Frank says, "Yeah, that's the way I feel around this girl named Jamia. She's so fucking rad. Mikey's pretty fucking rad, too, huh?"

"He's so cool," Ray says earnestly. "He's the coolest ever. He knows every scary movie ever and he has all the best music and in a fight, you know he could take Wolverine and Batman and Spiderman all at the same time and he'd totally win."

Frank thinks that sounds like true fucking love, but he keeps it to himself. "Yeah, but Spiderman's kind of a pussy."

"Gerard says language like that is mystoginic and totally not cool," says Ray.

"Misogynistic," says Frank. "And he's right. Spiderman's totally a poop cupcake."

"A poop cupcake with puke frosting," Ray agrees. "Can I stay up to watch your set or do I have to go to bed?"

"Are you tired?" Frank asks.

Ray yawns and says, "No."

Frank says, "You can totally watch the set."

The only time Frank really misses the real, adult Ray is on stage. It's not like he doesn't miss Ray other times, but other times he's got little kid Ray to fill the void. On stage it's just Joe, who's awesome, but he's not Ray. Frank misses the way they play off each other, the way Ray looks over at Frank and grins as he takes off into the stratosphere with complete confidence that Frank will keep him tethered to the earth.

He looks over halfway through the set to see Ray rolling his eyes at whatever Pete's saying to him. When he looks over a little bit later, Ray's curled up asleep just to the side of Mikey's amp and Pete's tucking his hoodie around Ray's shoulders.

"I'm not tired," Ray says as Frank carries him back to the bus. He's got his head on Frank's shoulder and his arms and legs are dangling limply.

"I am," Frank says. "It's been a long day, little man."

"Am I really going to be taller than you when I'm a grownup?" Ray asks, rubbing his face against Frank's shoulder. Frank's pretty sure Ray's nose is snotty, but he's dealt with worse.

"You're going to be so much taller than me, dude," Frank tells him.

Ray yawns and says, "Awesome."

Ray's mostly asleep by the time Frank tucks him into his bunk. As Frank starts to stand up, Ray says, "Will you sleep in here with me? The sounds the bus makes when it's going are kind of weird. I'm not scared or anything."

Frank climbs into bed next to Ray and yawns and says, "Your birthday's coming up soon. You wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese or something?"

Ray says, "I want to see my mom."

Frank sighs and says, "Yeah. Okay." He falls asleep trying to figure out how he's going to explain Ray's sudden youth to Mrs. Toro without giving her a heart attack.

He wakes up with a mouthful of hair and the heavy weight of a fully adult Ray on top of him. "Dude," he wheezes. "Dude, weak lungs, gonna die."

Ray lifts his head and says, "I had the weirdest fucking dream. Why are you in my bunk? Oh. Not a dream?"

Frank says, "Weak lungs. Air giving out." He thinks shoving Ray out of the bunk to tumble to the floor is completely justified.

It's not until a few days later when they're noodling around on guitars that Ray says, "You're going to make a really good Dad, you know."

Frank looks up at him and grins. "I got you high. On marijuana."

Ray laughs and plays a delicate, classical riff. "I'm assuming you wouldn't ever give an actual child drugs."

Frank says, "Probably not." He looks over at where Mikey's curled up on the couch, smiling happily as he reads his text messages. "He's going to notice you, you know," he whispers.

Ray ducks his head down and says, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Pete's a cool guy, sure, but he and Mikey, they're not forever. You know that, right? It might take him a while, but he's going to get his shit together and notice what's been right in front of his face this whole time."

Ray says, "Guys like him never notice guys like me."

Frank says, "He will." Ray might not believe him, but Frank knows it's true.

+++

"For the last time," Mikey says wearily, "I'm not a Time Lord."

"You speak an extinct language," Gerard says, stabbing his marker in Mikey's direction.

"I'm not fluent or anything. I dated a Time Lord for, like, two months. That's all."

Gerard gapes at him. Frank is so fucking glad he's stoned; it makes the conversation even more entertaining.

"You didn't think it was weird that I dated a guy whose name was The Architect?" Mikey asks.

"Well," says Gerard. "He was a little pretentious, I thought the name was just an affectation. He didn't even have a TARDIS!"

Mikey rolls his eyes, "Not one with a faulty chameleon circuit, no."

Gerard rakes his fingers through his hair and whimpers. He sounds so broken when he says, "You dated a Time Lord and you never told me."

"He told me not to. He said the right time to tell you would present itself, which I'm assuming is right now."

Gerard whimpers again.

Ray stumbles out from the bunks, yawning, and says, "Are you guys still fighting about Doctor Who?"

"Time Lords," says Gerard.

Ray stretches and scratches his stomach and Frank totally doesn't miss the way Mikey checks out Ray's ass in his boxers and his muscular thighs. Ray pokes at the coffee maker and says, "You guys drank it all again?"

Mikey scoots over on the kitchen bench and says, "You can have the rest of mine if you want."

Frank smiles and lets his eyes closed, feeling stoned and content and like everything's falling into place. Frank's going to have a daughter who will grow up to develop a unified theory of physics, Gerard will end up creating art that will be remembered for thousands and thousands of years, and Ray and Mikey's epic love is going to save the universe. Dewees told him so.


End file.
